I made it to his side a couple of weeks before and watched the painful decline. I tried to help in the only way I knew how. I fed the horse, cat, and birds. I planted flowers, took out the trash and mowed and mowed and mowed... Keeping busy was my therapy. And the people came! So many friends, family, former coworkers and neighbors came that our refrigerator was overflowing with goodies and we never lacked for food to feed everyone. It distressed him that he was not "being a good host" but pleased him to be able to tell each one how much they meant to him.
Time went quickly and painfully slow at the same time. He realized that his time was near and it pained him to see those that cared about him suffer at the thought. His pain was great but his smile was still there, even through all the heavy drugs.
Once he had passed, it hit me very hard that it had really happened. I still have a hard time believing it, even though I had known for months that it was inevitable. It surprised me more that I was still living. I know that's weird, but for whatever reason, I had thought that I would cease to exist without him.
The visitation, funeral, and "party" (his term) afterwards are kind of a blur. I saw so many folks I had not seen since I was a little girl. The love and support offered by so many still astounds me.
The next day after the funeral I attended the wedding of my stepson. I got to witness such love all over again! It seemed fitting somehow. Things end, things begin...Now I'm home in North Dakota. I feel fundamentally changed. I have not re-opened my online store. I have not gone through the stacks of paper. I have not cleaned my house. I have not created anything new. I haven't called the doctor about my still ailing hand. I haven't returned phone calls or written thank you notes. I haven't explained to the good people who have inquired about carrying my products that I'm...um, unavailable and why.
I have done everything wrong the last six weeks concerning getting a new business going. And it is ok. I feel every single thing more acutely. Good, bad, sorrow, happiness, love, guilt and joy, all are felt to my core. And I am not ready to let that go. Time will ease me back into myself. But for now, I'm slowing down, crying every day for happy reasons and sad, and letting myself simply feel...
...eternally grateful,
Ms.b.haven
