Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Full brains and busy work

Yeowza, time passes! It's the beginning of July, for Heaven's sake. Now is the time I start ramping up production for Christmas items. Or, should I say, I SHOULD be ramping up for Christmas.

As you know from previous posts, I've been struggling. I have had to let some things go for my sanity's sake. My brain is full and I spend a lot of time in there. The problem is, it hasn't been filled with my business stuff as is normally the case.

In June, I poured concrete, build two large flower beds, repaired my deck - and then re-repaired my deck. I have laid carpet and painted, painted, painted. I mowed, dug holes and filled in holes. You get the idea. I'm "helping" my stepson get his house ready for market and attending to some much-needed upkeep on my own place. In other words, I've been as busy and tired as possible without actually working on b.haven.

Guilt has crept in. The list of things to feel guilty about is long and entirely unrealistic. But nonetheless, She's (I'm calling guilt "she" for no particular reason) there. I have been grieving and keeping it all to myself. Guilt and grief tend to go hand-in-hand, I've noticed. I've not called my wonderful friends and family to whine about how sad I am. I have not gone back home to help my stepmom with getting Dad's place ready for sale or to help her pack and sort. I've not kept up with the business end of things at b.haven or produced those promised new items for my vendors. I've canceled shows. I'm wallowing in my grief alone and by choice. I'm taking advantage of the understanding of others, knowing full well that there is a limit to their good will, as there should be. I tell myself it is ok, that we each deal with life's trials in our own way. I know that time will pass and I will have more good days than bad at some point. But I'm not there yet.

Soooo, what's the point? Well, then, that is a good question. I guess my thought is that by admitting to struggling publicly, it would somehow be cathartic to me.

Yes, it IS all about me, didn't you know?

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